Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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