Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
