I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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