In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
