Someone shit on the floor
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
they're like a gay fantastic four
Semen is not good for contacts.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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