I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
