I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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