I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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