I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
