am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
