Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
