Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
this will be a night to untag.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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