Well douche your snatch and let's go!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
