she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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