I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
