Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
