I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
