There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
