There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
