my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
