if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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