your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
