you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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