Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
