K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
