Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
