last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
