Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
