i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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