did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I wish my penis had an off switch
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
