Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
