I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
