I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
