I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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