I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
