dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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