I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
