i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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