May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
