oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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