dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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