I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
