There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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