I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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