dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
