My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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