So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
