We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
