Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
