i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
