guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
