I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
