hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
