Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I need to align my fucking chakras
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
