Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
