i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
