some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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