Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
