You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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