She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
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you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
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I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
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